I am back. Saturday night, I danced under the stars with a red feather boa... Friends tried to pull me on the stage to perform a number. The horror. I did not get wasted, but was high as a kite by the end, because I love dancing so much.
Nonetheless, there were moments of trauma. Last night after we got back was no exception. I am too sad to write about it today. In fact I am too sad to do anything. My room is a mess, everything is a mess.
I am so unhappy, and everything seems hopeless and dark. I don't want my life to be this way, and I just don't have it in me to save myself. Or perhaps I do, and I am just being useless. And you know what, I know it is wrong, but I just want someone to come save me, and sadly, Alistair is no knight in shining armour. And even if he was, I'd prefer silk stockings.
To be frank, far too often, I wish I had an off-switch for my life. If no one would be damaged by me not being here, I think I would have pushed the button a while ago. That's not to say I am suicidal, or that I am going to do something stupid. I would never ever do that because I would never ever want to cause anybody that I care about so much pain. And I don't always feel like this, just most of the time. I am wishing and wishing that things will improve soon.