During the weekend, I spoke to a friend who is fast becoming a big sister to me. I am the eldest of two girls, and it is with affection that I say that I often feel like the emotional janitor to my immediate family. I am extremely adept at dealing with the world's problems, just not my own. Because of this, it is so nice to have somebody to talk to, who can dish out advice, support, hugs. Someone who has been there and done it.
Izzy is in her early forties, petite, and dyes the tips of her dark, spikey short hair a variety of colours. It would be an understatement to say she has had an eventful life. I have known her since I first started out on the fetish scene, about ten years ago, and though we have only just begun to get closer, I always liked her because she saw and liked me for who I was. I was around the age of 18/19 years old when I went to my first clubs and parties, and I was in a very dark place, way darker than the one I am in now. Every weekend, I would consume as many pills as possible in order to get as high as possible so I could be happy and just forget the pain. Added to this was the fact that I was so unhappy with myself that it was impossible to be myself at parties. I became this over the top, loud, (although always kind), peroxide blonde, who never let her intelligence and the depths of her personality shine through. Alistair knew me back then. I would go to his house for parties, and we would barely speak. He has admitted that he thought I was a drug-addled bimbo. But Izzy always saw something that most people didn't. She tells me now that every time she sees me, I just keep getting better and better. The peroxide is gone, and the hair is now long and black. That alone is an improvement...
I have told her about Alistair. She thinks he is a narcissist, and that I should attempt to erect some emotional distance between us whilst taking what I can get from the "relationship", (obviously, we are not talking in material terms here). I wonder if can. She has also told me that I need to let go of the fairytale and accept that nothing lasts forever. As she spoke, I found myself desperately searching for examples of couples I knew who had been together for a long, long time, excluding older generations who may have stayed together because of convention. I can't think of many, and most of those that I can are experiencing difficulties. My relationship with Axel leapt before my eyes. I have yet to speak of him here. The love of my life.
Five years we were together, separating finally at the end of last year, though technically it happened in the April. I may not be in love with him, but I love that boy with all my heart and soul, and right now, I would give anything to feel his arms around me. And I really, really believed we would be together until death parted us. I don't believe in love at first sight, but it was as close as one could get. I shall save the story for another time. It involves drugs and nudity, but that aside, the moment we met, the world seemed brighter, happier... In a way, nothing seemed real, because I had never experienced such powerful force of emotion. But it was real. And it ended.
Should I listen to Izzy? Is she correct? She says that in order to find something lasting, one must give up the dream, for it is only then that you stand a chance.
Alistair will never feel for me what he feels for the ex. And I will never have a bond with him like do with Axel... But I will never have a bond with anyone like I do with Axel. At first, despite his protestations that he is, in fact, terribly romantic, I did not believe Alistair. But then I recalled the story of when he was travelling a lot for work. He was not able to see the ex very much, so he booked a hotel, paid for them to blanket the room in rose petals, ordered champagne and strawberries. He flew her out there, knowing that she would reach the hotel first. Apparently she did not say anything... When I heard that story, I wanted to cry. Now when I think of it, I want to cry for different reasons. It is not that he is not romantic. He just doesn't feel it with me. He does for her, and does not get to express it properly because of her rejections. But I see glimmers. In the way that he calls her his "darling girl", the way that he sometimes uses her pet-name... I also know because before she decided to come back into his life, he was beginning to be like that with me. The way he would hold me, the things he would say, the way he would be excited to see me. He doesn't use his pet-name for me any more. I was briefly reminded a few nights ago of how things were, or could be. I detailed them in an earlier post, and now I wonder, was he really making love to me? For all his flaws, could he really be so callous? Perhaps it was untrue, but he had convinced himself of what he was saying. Perhaps it is simply true. But how can that be when I am reduced to the sidelines?
I am not allowed to see him for the whole of this week. Nor is Ben allowed to visit the ex. They are to have a week alone together, with the intention of "sorting things out". The ex has now told Alistair that she is not in love with him. He is aware she has said that she does not want to be with him. I truly wish I could bring myself to inform Alistair that she has lately said that she moved back in with him in oder to live according to the manner in which she has become accustomed. Since it was told to Ben, I keep silent, lest I scupper Ben's chances of ultimately being with her... I am sure she would not appreciate his confessions to me.
And still, still, there is this tiny little niggling hope that I wish I could be free of. For surely, if that were to be removed, I would have no reason to stay?