Going away with Alistair for the weekend. Leaving at 1730, surprise destination. Had dinner with him last night, and PMS ensured that I could not keep my yap shut. He is an emotional cripple, and likes me to keep my yap shut. Told him the situation is excruciating, and that if he thinks I am treating him differently, no shit, Sherlock. He is not my boyfriend, so he can hardly expect the full Maisie-beating-herself-unconscious-against-his-wall-treatment. He is growing more and more jealous of Ben, the boy the ex is fraternising with, and loses interest in me by the day, I fear. Especially when I can't keep my big yap shut. I am beginning to feel sick just looking at him. Spent last night not wanting to go away. Just popped round there to pick up some stuff to preen with. He seemed a bit distant. Mentioned Ben to me again. Apparently the ex asked him if he still has a problem with Ben, and he said no, he has a pronlem with her. (She once left him for a guy in a situation like this.) Apparently it is ok for him to be with me in what ever way he is, but not for her to be with Ben. I can't help feeling that I am some sort of bizarre tool to get at her.
I told him I don't want to discuss any relationship shit with him this weekend. We will go away, and I will make out like none of this awful mess is happening. He said he wants to do the same. Obviously the concern is not for my wellbeing, he just doesn't want to think about Ben. Even as I write, I wonder if I have the strength to enjoy this weekend. How do you look into the face of a man who is tearing you apart inside. I begin to loathe myself for behaving like a puppy who gets kicked in the teeth, yet goes back for more, and I begin to resent him for being so awful to me.