Still can't get enough of that boy. Last night, after dinner at Alistair's, we were alone in the living room talking and laughing. He said to me that he told his father that he'd marry me in the blink of an eye. I have said something similar to my mother. Such an odd relationship we have. Entirely Platonic, and naturally so from both sides. Yet I love him so much, and when he is away, at work, or a party, or an event, I miss him like crazy.
I am very happy though, because we have this thing where we help each other find a boyfriend/girlfriend, and after I introduced him to Mistress Max, sparks seem to be flying a little.
As Courtney and I say to each other, "Cop that shit."
There is only so long a woman like me can endure the situation I have been existing in. Being made to feel second best, unimportant, and having to regularly make the short journey home in tears is bad enough. But I have been being lied to. I have always known this, deep down, because whilst others may lie, my gut never does. The night we realised that there was a certain "thing" between us was the night that Alistair told me I could always trust him, and that it was important to him that I did. I do love him, but he has betrayed my trust, saying things to me which conflict with what he has said to the ex. And in fact, let us give the ex an actual name, because whilst I stand by the criticisms I make of her, she is actually a very fragile, damaged person. Moreover, blame cannot be heaped at her door, especially where I am concerned. We shall call her Claudia.
I will continue to see Alistair, but I do not know what happens now. I cannot exist in a relationship without trust. I believe that people deserve second chances, but I would also like to believe that when given such a chance, a person would actually start being honest, rather than more careful in hiding their lies. And how does one tell? Perhaps the gut.
In any case, apart from trust, I want as much love and tenderness as I give. I want somebody who can think of nothing better than waking up next to me every morning. I want to feel beautiful and special. I want passion. And actually, as much as I am up for a bit of fun with boys, I want longevity. I want a future with someone, the right someone.
I do love Alistair. The damage he has done upsets me more than the acts which caused it.
I have been exchanging the most gorgeous emails with the most gorgeous writer. No, I am not going to tell you all the details. But he does make me swoon, and he does have long black hair.
And yes, I may or may not have tumbled around with an exquisitely beautiful goth boy the other night. And one about to do a PhD in philosophy no less. (I studied philosophy too.)
The Blast from the Past:
Long hair, martial arts, knives, brooding demeanor. Dominant. Fantastic cook. A wonderfully twisted approach to play.
I shall leave you wondering.
I shall leave you with these cliffhangers.