Thursday, 9 July 2009


As I have said, I am way behind in documenting recent events. Especially the more explicit ones, which are probably what you want to read.
After the most recent party, Alistair "negotiated" with the ex, so that I could go to sleep with him in his bed that night. A proper weekend should always end tucked up in bed with the person you are with. Kinda sad though, isn't it, that if I want to do something as simple as fall asleep next to a man I love, it has to be "negotiated"?
It was almost as if he knew that on the other Sunday, I cried all the way home. Thankfully, I live within spitting distance, as I was dehydrated to begin with. From behind his closed door, Courtney sensed the upset, and came into my room. I remember spluttering something about my efforts to make his birthday special, but still not meaning quite enough to him that he'd ask me to stay the night. Despite this, I did not do or give anything to gain anything, and even with hindsight, I would do the same again. It's just that every once in a while, reality punches.
But we were discussing the most recent party, and the fact that I got to stay the night. The longer this drama goes on, the more I am afraid that men and women really are different, something I have always disputed with a passion. I say this because when I told Courtney about the "negotiation", and how it gained me a pillow, he grinned and said "Result! You must be pleased." And I responded with saying that it would have been nice if it had been done because Alistair wanted to spend the night with me, not because he thought I would be irked if I did not spend the night with him. Is it a woman thing? You see, I want to be made to feel like he wants me, not reminded that I want him... Courtney gave me a playful, verbal smack. He said it was a good thing, and an acknowledgement of my needs... and I had to agree. Since it is the thought that counts, one must try to understand the intentions behind the thoughts.
In any case, for whatever the reason it was done, it felt good to be under the covers in his arms.
Never one to miss the opportunity to tease me, he told me that he looked forward to my next blog entry. What followed was a quiet discussion of the blog and the situation. Instead of being riddled with angst and frustration, it was oddly tender. And, whilst I am a woman who thrives on consensual abuse, the best way to soothe my mind is through tenderness and love. Being told you are loved, being hugged, they are both wonderful, but anyone can do that. It's those moments where you can really feel it, believe it, that's the good stuff. A previous entry contains one of those moments (in fact, it's the most read one). This wasn't quite the same as that, but I felt calm and warm.
I apologised if anything he read had offended or upset him. He told me it hadn't because everything I wrote was the truth, though some areas were my own particular take on things (naturally). He said that the only thing which had upset him was the amount of hurt he had caused. I fell silent. It felt as if I was sinking down, down into the bed. He held me a little tighter and kissed my head. As I write now, I wonder how it feels inside his head. What he felt at that moment. I asked Alistair if he realised that the ex is in love with Ben. He said that it was pretty obvious, but that she grows bored of people quickly. So I suppose he means to do what he did last time she was with someone else. Hang on, hoping that the other man will eventually go away. I told him this. It all seems to point to the fact that he wants to be with the ex, (which is supremely inconvenient, because if he gets his wish, I shall have to think of another name for her on this blog). He always simply says that he doesn't know what he wants. Alistair told me that he doesn't know what will happen. He said that he knows that she loves him, but is not in love with him, and he knows that I am in love with him. And we all know where this conversation led.
I asked him if he was in love with me. What he said was this. "I think am. I mean, I have all the same feelings as when I am." I was expecting one of two answers. Either that one, or "Why must you always differentiate between types of love?" Courtney had an interesting take on it, and here we are back again at the men are from Mars crap. Courtney thought it was a good answer. For had it been a resounding yes, it stood a 50-50 chance of being a lie. As Courtney saw it, Alistair was honest with me... According to him, love is a confusing thing for guys, and they're not always sure, it's up down and all around. Is it? Or, perhaps Alistair is not in love with me, and this response was the gentler "get out of jail" alternative.
I wonder, if the situation was not complicated, (and even with the situation like it is), does he see any possible longevity between us? And I am not looking for an anything is possible Flying Spaghetti Monster type answer here. I want sensible.
And I have to congratulate myself, because assuming he will read this, (by the way, hi Alistair), I have done an excellent job of still writing as I would have anyway. If nothing else, we can enjoy the fact that an extra sick twist has now been added. The wronger, the better, I always say.


  1. I think "love is confusing" isn't just a men/women thing. I think different people at different points in their lives simply have different reactions to "love". Not better or worse, just different.

    I know when I'm in love, and when I'm not. I have a (female) friend who occasionally phones me up and says "I think I like him, it feels like I'm in love - but I'm not sure". For her, the whole thing is fraught with emotional baggage, and saying "I'm in love" for her is not just acknowledging an emotional state, it's also bringing along the baggage that goes with that state.

  2. Food for thought indeed. Each time I have fallen in love, and there have only been 3, it has been different. Nonetheless, I always know without confusion if I am in love or not.


You kiss your mother with that mouth?