03/09/09: When I first published this, I immediately withdrew it, because I was worried it was overly hard-nosed and I wanted to shield Alistair from any upset. But I am not happy tonight.
I am afraid this one is going to be a vent. And for all you newcomers who haven't back-read me, a chance to have a better understanding of the nature of things. I admit, it won't quite be the same as a few months ago, because frankly, I am kinda desensitised. Don't really get that upset anymore.
I spoke to Alistair on Messenger yesterday. He informed me that the ex wanted to have another "chat" when he arrived home from work. They have been doing that a lot. Ben is still on the scene, causing Alistair much upset. The ex still lets Alistair down, causing Alistair much upset. Though one does wonder, in what way does she let him down, since they are not technically together?
In any case, the ex has recently made mention of the fact that she might move out. Yeah, right. Where is she going to find another man who lets her live free of charge in his house and pays for mostly everything? She could always move the tenants out of the house she actually owns and move in there... But doing that would mean taking in lodgers and receiving a cut to the money from said house... Which might mean she has to get a little job while she does her latest course... Noooooooooooooo...
And of course, the thought of her moving out distresses Alistair. He says this is because she will move and their unfinished business will not get finished. Hmmm... well it seems to me that their unfinished business has been lasting a fuck of a long time... I don't know, I think trouble was actually brewing as far back as 2007. Could be wrong though. The truth is that he can't bear to let it go.
But sometimes we have to. And I know this from bitter experience, and I am a very sensitive person, who finds dealing with emotional trauma incredibly hard. But sometimes we have to let things go. I did it with Axel, and he was a close to a soul-mate as my belief is willing to extend.
So, last night, more talking ensued.
You know what's really sad? There was not a single part of me that thought there was a chance that any headway, of any kind, would be made.
You know what's sadder?
That whereas before, I would be crying over this, I actually can't remember the last time I cried. Today, I only write out of frustration. I have accepted the situation, I don't believe it will change, therefore I don't look to the future, and know that my future most likely lies elsewhere. But I still love and care about Alistair, and his situation frustrates me.
I was just drifting off to sleep last night when I got a text from Alistair. It simply said "erg". I asked him if he was ok, and he told me he was confused and unsure. No change there, then, and I told him so. This made him unhappy. I said that I was sorry that things had ended up the way they are, and I am sorry for him... This made him unhappy. He told me he contacted me for a "boost" because he felt down, but that we probably shouldn't discuss it further. He said goodnight, and so did I.
Maybe if I hadn't been so depressed last night, I would have reacted differently. And just like anyone I love, I am there for him, to support him and take care of him. But really, this could go on forever. Alistair and ex talk, Alistair gets upset. Maisie says "There, there." There is absolutely nothing I can do to help on this one. And I am not the only one who has tried. Hell, not even the fact that he loves me is enough. He loves her too.
Alistair has always said that he waits until he has "all the information" before he makes a decision. Well Alistair, and I know you will be reading this, and I know you won't be liking what you read, but here it is:
Sometimes we have all the information, but we choose to ignore it. i.e. She has told you she is not in love with you, she does not have sex with you, she does not play with you, you fight all the time... What other information could you possibly be waiting for? Where can you possibly go from here? I mean yes, things change, but there is even a slim chance that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will plop out of the sky today and smite us for not worshipping it all these years.
And sometimes, we are faced with an incomplete puzzle. Sometimes we can never gain all of the information we need. When this happens, sometimes we still need to act, for our own good.
As a friend, I am telling you that you need to make a decision. One way or another. Decide whether you want to be with her or not, then find out whether this is compatible with what she wants. If it is not, there you have it. And if she simply refuses to come to a conclusion, then you must make a final one.
And I know that you always tell me that things are not that simple. I know that the human heart, the tapestry of human emotions, are not that simple. Often the decisions are. Simple does not mean easy. This is one of those choices which must be made, and made now. Your health is suffering, you are not sleeping properly (and when you do, you talk and moan), you are depressed, you are not as sharp as you should be (and you are usually very damn sharp). You need to muster some courage from somewhere. I think this is what fails you. You are afraid. Afraid of making the wrong choice.
The wrong choice means losing what might have been. But not making a choice is worse. Not making a choice means having nothing at all. Unless Limbo counts. You can't build fulfilling relationships in Limbo. Not with me, not with anyone. You say that you feel your age is against you, and that you have told the ex that you don't have time for this. You don't. Do something.