I am more wonderful than I feel.

Warning: Badly written. Lack of time, no lack of I don't cares.

It seems I was wrong. The ex has moved out.

Alistair is very upset and depressed.

We had a conversation on messenger the other day, and it was not a happy one. You see, over the past couple of weeks or so, I have slowly allowed myself to get a little closer again, emotionally speaking. This was a big mistake on my part, because once again it ensured that I feel secondary to the great Alistair and Ex Saga. Secondary to his feelings for her. This was what our conversation was about. In hindsight, it was a less than useful time, as his mind is somersaulting over the ex's departure, so in this sense, everything else is secondary.

I mentioned commitment. I asked if he was ever going to commit to me, that I thought he should really have some idea after a year of seeing each other. He said he didn't know, but that he hasn't ruled me out, and seemed to think I'd feel better with him pointing out that another one of his fucks has been ruled out. I am sure I don't have to spell out the fact that I was a tad upset over this. He said it was a bad time because he loves the ex and is messed up over her.

This is indeed true.

I do not feel very secure. So I am in love with Alistair. He says he loves me. He needs to get over his ex, or work things out. Whilst this happens, he continues to see people and "rule them out" for a committed relationship. Provided he does indeed get over the ex, one can only assume that if he doesn't find somebody else, I'll get lucky. Though there will probably be an extensive period of searching before he gives up. Or maybe he will find someone. I wonder how that conversation would go... But it's ok, because I apparently have the freedom to do the same.

The thing is, I seem to have this little thing called respect that I bestow upon people I am in love with (and most other people). This invariably means that whilst we are in the process of seeing where things go, I do not actively have my tendrils out for any other bits of "better" flotsam that might be floating by. This ensures that my beloved feels loved, valued, and wanted, with the added bonus that they are not left wondering what the next bit of flotsam will be like, and whether they are going to be traded in.

If the conversation was simply a matter of Alistair being in love with, and hurt over the ex, and thus unable to commit to me, that would be reasonable. But it wasn't quite like that.

Sometimes I think that there has got to be more than this.

I didn't feel very good about things over the weekend. Alistair was miserable, and it wasn't so much the sadness, as the reason why he was miserable. The fact that he is now going to be entering a period of missing her, of wishing she was still with him, and I daresay there will be moments where he wishes she was there instead of me.

He took me to London Zoo on Saturday. He didn't really want to go, but because I did, he bought tickets. He didn't look as though he was enjoying himself, which made me feel that I had forced him into something tiresome. Animals are a bit of a thing for me, and I get quite excited. Alistair made me feel like a silly kid.

I am tired of feeling like a foolish, clumsy, eccentric child whose only notable attributes are her pleasingly ample arse, and her ability to draw stuff.

And hey, what's the difference between me and his other fucks? I write love letters and bring coffee in the morning.

It would be nice to have someone who makes me feel a little bit adored, apart from my mother. I am hindered by the fact that I am someone who constantly laughs at herself, and doesn't mind being teased. People get used to that, and soon, that's all they do, until finally, even the compliments I receive are backhanded.

Although the weekend had its nice moments, I am not sure that I can say I had a good time overall. Obviously things were not ideal because Alistair was sad due to the ex. So it may have been better if the trauma wasn't going on.

But I can't help but think that I just don't "do it" for him enough. I mean he does love me in his own way, he certainly finds me attractive, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Would it be different if he didn't still have feelings for the ex? I don't know. His behaviour towards me certainly changed as things started to improve between them, and definitely after she moved in. I mean hell, there was a time when he didn't admit he was in love with her.

What I can tell you is that, regardless of how he feels, I am certainly not feeling the magic.

It's like I always say, I want to be with someone who can think of nothing better than waking up next to me every morning.