Monday, 13 September 2010

The Alistair Update

We spoke.

He had a tantrum from down the other end of the phone. I smile now, because sometimes I even find his tantrums endearing. This wasn't one of those times.

My boyfriend is a foot-stomper, literally. (I secretly find it sweet when he does that, which might be one of the keys to our longevity).

He almost always knows what is occuring inside my head. I am as transparent as a pane of glass to him. But I am a creature of extremes, and so it is either that way, or we are speaking foreign languages to each other.

The update from yesterday's post...

He was cross because he believed he was doing the right thing by texting me to ask me. He was filled with rage and frustration because he has never asked for permission from anyone to do anything in his life. (Please don't hold that against him, he is an only child). In his mind, he did something of huge significance.

When I enquired as to what he would have done had I never got the message, this angered him, as he saw it as another example of my mistrust. I was angered because his response to my question was that he might have done as he wished anyway.

After much quarrelling, he admitted that it was a very stupid thing to say, and was probably born out of his anger that I do not trust him. He says that this is the thing he finds most difficult in our relationship.

And I have to admit, he is right. I still find it incredibly hard to trust him. He has lied to me so much in the past. The worst example I have not even documented here because it is too upsetting.

And yet, he has been behaving very well over the past 5 months. He has tried to play by my rules, as he puts it.

Are my rules too severe? I suppose you will have to decide. I have tried to create a compromise whereby a mostly monogamous person can succeed with a polyamorous person. I would just like to be informed about playdates, and told whom they are with. I would at least like to have met the person, and to like them myself.

Alistair is not quite there yet. He is being extremely honest and open. Usually the asking element is missing (not always). But often, I am more told about exploits, or informed they are happening, "ask" doesn't come into it.

And yet he is much better, I cannot deny.

Back to the topic. Alistair felt that I had no right to question what he would have done if I had not been around to give him permission to play in that way with our friend. He says it there is no sense in dealing in maybes and what ifs. He also banged on about me being a philosopher and speaking in abstracts all the time.

But I am a fucking philosopher.

Love me, love my philosophy (even if you don't always agree with it).

But he also said that he loves me to distraction, which is why he was so upset. And more than anything else he said, this made an impact on me. Alistair refuses to say he is in love with me. He tells me he loves me all the time, but that it's all a continuum. He loves me like he loves all his friends and lovers, he just loves me more.

And I think that is bull. Of course he knows what being in love is. The human brain is built with the ability to fall in love. It's all chemical reactions (wonderful ones) and we all know. I put it to him that if love is all the same, "Duhs he love me laahk his mama?"

Still he refuses, after two years to say he is in love with me.

But yesterday he did say he loves me to distraction. And despite the fact we had spent most of the time arguing, my heart melted.


  1. While this makes for some interesting reading, I am not sure how healthy a relationship this is. You are clearly in a different lifestyle than the average person so this may work for you but I have found that emotion will always trump reason and you seem to be trying to reason that having a boyfriend that sleeps with otehr people works for you when it seems to not. I just don't want you to get hurt and that seems to be the way this is going. Try not to "change" Alistair. Men don't easily change and they normally have to do it on their own. Ultimatums rarely work and lead to trust issues, which it seems you sort of already have.

  2. Really all that has ever concerned me is emotional fidelity. I have had relationships in the past where others were involved here and there, and that was fine. But, as you have probably read in the past with Al and I, there have always been far too many women constantly around. As for the trust issues, they were compounded at the beginning of the year, when I accidently saw an email he had sent to another girl. It got dealt with, but I don't want to go there right now. Goodness I hate how I must sound. I have never been a particularly "doormat" woman who goes for the wrong kind of guy. And we do actually have some amazingly good aspects to our relationship.
    Thank you for checking in Trinity ;-) at least it makes a good blog... Much love to you. x

  3. Wow, 'slightly unhealthy' is the understatement of the year. You don't trust him and its YOUR fault?! Why the hell should you trust him, he hasnt earned any of your trust.

    I'm horribly afraid to say it but the fact that he's never said he's in love with you means he isn't in love with you.

    He gets to have sex with and do whatever he wants with whomever and you have to be ok with that? When you're clearly not.

    He's an only child so you think this gives him the right to act like a spoiled child??

    And this whole 'much better' thing? Again, he's an adult, it shouldnt even be a question of 'better'.

    You really ask for so little from him and give so much back. And all this from a very smart girl????!!!!

  4. @Judearoo: I know, at times things can sound unhealthy. And I never post all the good periods (which is usually when this blog goes quiet). When it is good, it's great. And I know if I was someone else, I'd want to wallop me. But this is only my side of the story... The right side, obviously.
    But I can truly say that he has turned it around regarding the lies. There have been a couple of times when I have doubted him, and I have been proven wrong and he has come through.


    Watch this space.

    Good to have you on my side, though ;-) xxxx

  5. God, I've been worried about that comment - really did't want you to think I was having a go at you. Just hope you remember sometimes it should be about you too. xxx

  6. @Judearoo: You didn't offend, silly! Thank you for taking an interest. I blog for many reasons, sometimes just to vent, but it is always kinda nice when people you have never met before care enough to to give you a good talking too. Much love you you, darling!


You kiss your mother with that mouth?