Saturday, 30 May 2009

I must confess, I am actually angry. Can you tell? It is, after all, quite a rare occurrence for me. I didn't reach this point until I had some alone time, time for the cogs in my head to begin to turn, and for me to realise what an absolute idiot pushover I am being.
For over a month I have been due to move house for the umpteenth time, on the last weekend of May. I have been grappling with a lot of turbulence in my life, and moreover, fear change and cannot drive. All in all, moving is never fun-time for me.
Alistair knew I was moving. When I was handed my notice, he was the first person I turned to. You go to the one who loves you, right? Even if they are not actually your boyfriend, and think that you don't realise that all they want is to win their ex back, and when they do, you will be history. Right? Right? Well, you do if you are me, paragraph one, absolute idiot/pushover, remember?
For the past several weeks, he has been very concerned to find out the ex's plans, as she never makes any time for him, and always has numerous men round, or is away on her frolics. Come to think of it, any time I have with him is invariably because she happens to be away, not because he has specifically decided to do something with me. It's all about her plans.
Some time ago, it seems that she had a little space in her schedule, so of course, he snapped it up. Right on the weekend when I was moving, and really, really needed his help. He said he didn't realise, until I pointed out that he had known for over a month. He said his timing was bad, but that implies that this was an accident. If he had forgotten, he would have been reminded, if only he was as concerned with my plans as he is with hers. What really hurts is the fact that he could have a weekend away with her any time. I have no choice but to move this weekend, and I can honestly say that I would drop everything to help him if he needed me. Idiot/pushover, remember? But of course, he has packed his bag of fetish gear, ever hopeful that she will wrap him up in latex, shove some poppers up his nose, and wedge his face between her buttocks. And hey, she probably will throw him the proverbial bone... they are staying with a kinky couple, and in such a small group of people, it is hard to resist the tide of play without appearing anti-social. It is not that I am jealous, we all play with lots of people, it's just that he always says that one of the major problems with the relationship is the fact that she won't play or fuck him. It is only natural for me to feel a little miserable at the prospect of her putting out.
After much thinking, I decided that I had every right to let him know how I feel. I could not call him, as he was not alone, so I texted. Not ideal, but I was as polite and adult as possible, despite the medium. I simply said that I was upset because I had been put in a really difficult situation, and I needed his help, and yet he was off for a weekend of play and partying. He responded by saying he felt bad and guilty, and had already said sorry, and that his timing was bad. He said he would make it up to me, and that he loved me. Stupid text tennis. I told him it was not poor timing, because he knew for over a month I was moving. If he had forgotten, he would have been reminded, had he concerned himself with what my plans might be, (in my head I added: "Instead of only considering what Her plans might be..." I said that I didn't want him to make it up to me. He knows I don't work like that. Buying me stuff is meaningless. Love, loyalty, friendship, this is currency that I understand. Again, I received more "love yous", "I don't want to rows", "the only thing I can think to do is think of something nice to make it up to you when I get backs". I ignored the last one, not because I was playing a game, but because I was that upset. Another arrived, telling me he had arrived and was exhausted, and offering me "hugs". I ignored it for the same reason.
I woke up this morning feeling just as bad, and yet another arrived wishing me the best of luck for the move, and that he hoped it went well, and that he loved me. I left it quite some time, because I didn't know what to do... I think too much... Because I am not someone who likes playing all those little games that people in these situations sometimes do, I replied. But again, I was at a loss at what I could say. So I simply said thank you, no little "x's", just the thank you. I received no response.
I wish I could say that he is probably troubled by all this, but I am pretty sure he is not. He is having dinner at some nice restaurant, followed by a little tipple or two, and then the narcotics will come out. Especially the GHB, because we all know how randy, or at worst, touchy-feely that makes people. Especially women, so he'll be using this to help increase the likelihood of getting some.
Meanwhile, I have found out who my friends are. Thanks to Harri for helping me at the last minute, because if he had not, I really would have been totally, and very awesomely, stuck.
I know I need to walk, despite having already tried it twice, and failed. And if I do, I need to mean it this time, can't go back a third time. And so I sit and worry about what to do. He says he loves us both, that we are both of equal importance to him. So why does he elect to have a weekend with her that he could have any time, when I really need him, and have no choice of day for when I move? I need to walk, and I am trying to be strong about it. I might not discuss it again with him, we have been through it. I might just build some distance, enough to help me stop caring.

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