Saturday, 29 March 2008

The Fairer Sex

Today I cannot concentrate on anything. It has been such a long time, and when I am in this frame of mind, it is impossible to ignore the overwhelming desire I have to be on my knees. At this moment now, all I want is that intense fulfillment of being told when to speak and when to remain silent, of what I can say and what I can't say, of being told where I should fix my gaze, what clothes I should wear, how I should kneel, how I should stand. When I am in this mood I know that I would be compliant and perfect. For a moment, I can allow myself to admit certain things, and for the barriers to fall away. As I write now, I can say to myself that I want a man who will make me feel vulnerable and "feminine", a man to control my mind and my body. But what does it mean to be femine? What is a feminist who secretly wants a man to dominate and rule over her, at least some of the time? And why do I love the fact that I can't handle this fact? The conflict feels so deliciously, almost tangibly wrong.

As I sit here with the sunlight streaming through the window, all I can see is the darkness of the room in my mind. I can almost smell the sweat as I feel a hand snake up my neck, violently pulling my hair back, with the words whispered into my ear that I am a dirty little whore....Right before I am sent down to scrub the kitchen floor...

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You kiss your mother with that mouth?